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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Fire Breathing Dragon

    | Salem, OR, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet cremation place. I pick up a call.)

    Caller: “Hello. Is this [Business Name]?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, my son’s lizard just passed away. He’s quite upset over it and was wanting to get it cremated. Do you cremate bearded dragons?”

    (I can hear her son crying in the background.)

    Me: “Yes, we do. So long as the animal fits in the ovens, we’ll cremate them. I’m sorry about your son’s lizard. How old is he?”

    Caller: “My son’s 15, but he’s autistic, and this lizard was his best friend.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry for him.”

    Caller: “Thank you. Would it be possible to bring the lizard in today?”

    Me: “Yes, if you can bring it by about 2:00 pm.”

    Boy: *overheard* “Mom, he’s breathing!”

    Caller: *not listening to him* “That’s nice, honey.” *to me* “Should we bring the lizard in a box? We have him in a tissue box now.”

    Boy: “See, mom?”

    Caller: “Oh s***! F****** h***! He just thrust the lizard into my face and it’s moving! What the h*** did you do, [Boy’s Name]!?”

    Boy: “I flipped him over to check his pulse and he started moving. He isn’t dead!”

    (I can hear the boy laughing now, and talking to the lizard.)

    Caller: “Apparently the lizard isn’t dead, and we won’t be bringing him in. Sorry for wasting your time. Have a good day.”

    Trying To Give A Dogged Defense

    | NC, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a receptionist at a small animal hospital. I take a phone call.)

    Me: “[Hospital Name]. How may I help you?”

    Client: “Is it possible that my dog is gay?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Client: “I think my dog is gay, and my husband is very homophobic. He says we can’t keep the dog if it is gay.”

    Me: “What made you come to this conclusion, ma’am?”

    Client: “He sniffs other male dogs inappropriately. It makes the whole family uncomfortable.”

    Me: “Dogs often smell other dogs as a means of introduction, and they do smell each other’s hind end area to get acquainted. That is very common.”

    Client: “How do I make him stop this?”

    Me: “Is your dog neutered?”

    Client: “No, my husband does not want him neutered. He says it’s not fair to the dog.”

    Me: “Unaltered dogs can present these behaviors more frequently and sometimes can be more aggressive. It may help if you had him neutered.”

    Client: *yelling to her husband* “She says the dog won’t be gay anymore if we chop his balls off…” *a few moments of bickering between the couple* “Well, we can’t keep the dog if he’s gay, so when can we get him neutered?”

    Me: “Ma’am, neutering your dog will not stop him from sniffing other dogs. I was just suggesting that neutering him may calm him down and the behavior would be less frequent.”

    Client: “Can you just tell my husband that if we go through with the surgery that he won’t be gay anymore? I’m afraid he is going to make me give him up. He is terribly afraid of gays! He won’t even let the dog sleep in the bed until this gets figured out…”

    One Customer And You’re Already Pooped

    | Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (I am waiting to pick up my cat at the vet when I witness an exchange between the receptionist and a customer.)

    Receptionist: “She’s doing well. She’s passed some formed feces—”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Receptionist: “Uh… It just means it’s solid—”

    Customer: “But what does that MEAN?”

    Receptionist: “What? Formed feces?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that second one.”

    Receptionist: “Oh… um… It’s her bowel movements.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Receptionist: “Number Two?”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Receptionist: “Her, um, her poo, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s good.”

    He’s Telling A Shaggy Dog Story

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work for a major attorney service firm. Our job is to go out to businesses (usually medical) to copy records. I am a ‘stop setter,’ meaning that I set the appointments for our field agents. One of the field agents comes dashing into the office, his clothing disheveled, and panting.)

    Me: “What happened?!”

    Field Agent: “You wouldn’t believe it! I went to serve Doctor [Name] with a subpoena for records. I went to his home in Malibu, drove up the hill, and parked. Just as I got out of my convertible to go serve him, four huge Dobermans came charging around the corner and tried to kill me! I ran back, jumped into my car, zoomed down the hill and back here!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll call him.”

    (I do just that.)

    Me: “Dr. [Name]. This is [My Name] from [Copy Service]. Our field agent says he went to your home to serve a subpoena for the records on [legal case] and—”

    Doctor: “Listen to me you dirty little s***! That field agent is LYING! My gate’s closed. NOBODY can get in. He was never chased by any dogs because I don’t HAVE any! I’m not home, so he couldn’t have found me. Besides, the dogs were TIED UP! I can see them right now from my WINDOW!”

    A Dog Is For Life, Not Just For Christmas

    | NC, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (I work for a well-known pet store chain that has never sold dogs or cats. It is the week before Christmas. We are fairly busy. I am on the floor doing customer service when an angry customer rushes up to me, dragging his young daughter behind him.)

    Customer: “I need a Chihuahua puppy, right now.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand. Have you lost your pup in the store?”

    Customer: “No, you stupid b****. I want to buy a Chihuahua puppy. I’ve looked everywhere in the store and can’t find them.”

    Me: “Again, I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t sell puppies. We never have.”

    Customer: “That’s crap! I saw puppies in here the other day.”

    Me: “Yes. Our adoption partners were here. See, we save space in our store for rescues, so shelter dogs and cats can find their forever homes.”

    Customer: “I don’t want a USED dog. I want a Chihuahua puppy. One that’s clean!”

    (His daughter starts to sob and whine at him.)

    Me: “Shelter dogs aren’t used or dirty. I have two rescues, myself.”

    Customer: “Listen you w****. Go in the back and get my puppy.”

    Me: “At this point, you have insulted me and won’t listen to what I’m telling you. I have the right to refuse you service.”

    (I go to walk away from him. He starts screaming over his child’s crying and grabs me by the arm.)

    Customer: “YOU F****** B****! YOU’VE RUINED MY GIRL’S CHRISTMAS! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, MAKING LITTLE GIRLS CRY! NOW GO GET MY PUPPY OR I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED!”

    (I’ve had enough. My manager has heard the commotion and is right behind the customer, getting ready to intervene.)

    Me: “Right. The Chihuahua puppies come in next Wednesday, with our dragon eggs and unicorn babies. You’ll have to wait until then.”

    (My manager had to stop himself from laughing as he escorted the customer to the front for yelling at me and grabbing me. Luckily, my bosses have a good sense of humor and didn’t fire me!)

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