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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Deaf To Reason, Part 2

    , | Darwin, NT, Australia | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Pets & Animals

    (I am at a supermarket checkout.)

    Me: “Hey, there! How are you this eveni—”

    Customer: “You realise there’s a man in here with a dog, right?”

    Me: “Oh? Maybe it’s a guide dog or something?”

    Customer: “No, no! It doesn’t have the guide dog harness! Really! The beast is sticking its nose in the fresh bread!”

    (She proceeds to point over my shoulder, and I decide to look. To my amusement, it is a man who had come to my primary school when I was younger, to teach us about dogs that help people with hearing issues.)

    Me: “Actually, I know that guy. The dog is actually there to help him because of his hearing being—”

    Customer: “I don’t CARE what the dog is there for! It’s not a guide dog and needs to be removed! If you’re not going to help, call your manager, please!”

    (Exasperated and a bit peeved at the customer’s behaviour, I grudgingly do so while she defiantly hold up the line.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “That MAN over there has brought some flea-ridden dog in here while he’s shopping! Get him out of here at once!”

    Me: “I tried to explain to her it’s a hearing aid dog, but she’s not listening.”

    Customer: “I was listening you little cretin! Hearing aid dogs don’t—”

    Manager: “Actually they do, and this man is well known for coming through with his dog to help with his shopping. The kids love him, we love him, and you just appear to want to deny that for sake of argument.”

    Customer: “How DARE you! I’m a paying customer!”

    (By this point my manager asked her to pay her due and leave. She does… only to come back in and flat out abuse the guy for making HER look like a fool. Cops had to be called for her to be removed.)

    Related:
    Deaf To Reason

    Fire Breathing Dragon

    | Salem, OR, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet cremation place. I pick up a call.)

    Caller: “Hello. Is this [Business Name]?”

    Me: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, my son’s lizard just passed away. He’s quite upset over it and was wanting to get it cremated. Do you cremate bearded dragons?”

    (I can hear her son crying in the background.)

    Me: “Yes, we do. So long as the animal fits in the ovens, we’ll cremate them. I’m sorry about your son’s lizard. How old is he?”

    Caller: “My son’s 15, but he’s autistic, and this lizard was his best friend.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry for him.”

    Caller: “Thank you. Would it be possible to bring the lizard in today?”

    Me: “Yes, if you can bring it by about 2:00 pm.”

    Boy: *overheard* “Mom, he’s breathing!”

    Caller: *not listening to him* “That’s nice, honey.” *to me* “Should we bring the lizard in a box? We have him in a tissue box now.”

    Boy: “See, mom?”

    Caller: “Oh s***! F****** h***! He just thrust the lizard into my face and it’s moving! What the h*** did you do, [Boy’s Name]!?”

    Boy: “I flipped him over to check his pulse and he started moving. He isn’t dead!”

    (I can hear the boy laughing now, and talking to the lizard.)

    Caller: “Apparently the lizard isn’t dead, and we won’t be bringing him in. Sorry for wasting your time. Have a good day.”

    Trying To Give A Dogged Defense

    | NC, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a receptionist at a small animal hospital. I take a phone call.)

    Me: “[Hospital Name]. How may I help you?”

    Client: “Is it possible that my dog is gay?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Client: “I think my dog is gay, and my husband is very homophobic. He says we can’t keep the dog if it is gay.”

    Me: “What made you come to this conclusion, ma’am?”

    Client: “He sniffs other male dogs inappropriately. It makes the whole family uncomfortable.”

    Me: “Dogs often smell other dogs as a means of introduction, and they do smell each other’s hind end area to get acquainted. That is very common.”

    Client: “How do I make him stop this?”

    Me: “Is your dog neutered?”

    Client: “No, my husband does not want him neutered. He says it’s not fair to the dog.”

    Me: “Unaltered dogs can present these behaviors more frequently and sometimes can be more aggressive. It may help if you had him neutered.”

    Client: *yelling to her husband* “She says the dog won’t be gay anymore if we chop his balls off…” *a few moments of bickering between the couple* “Well, we can’t keep the dog if he’s gay, so when can we get him neutered?”

    Me: “Ma’am, neutering your dog will not stop him from sniffing other dogs. I was just suggesting that neutering him may calm him down and the behavior would be less frequent.”

    Client: “Can you just tell my husband that if we go through with the surgery that he won’t be gay anymore? I’m afraid he is going to make me give him up. He is terribly afraid of gays! He won’t even let the dog sleep in the bed until this gets figured out…”

    One Customer And You’re Already Pooped

    | Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (I am waiting to pick up my cat at the vet when I witness an exchange between the receptionist and a customer.)

    Receptionist: “She’s doing well. She’s passed some formed feces—”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Receptionist: “Uh… It just means it’s solid—”

    Customer: “But what does that MEAN?”

    Receptionist: “What? Formed feces?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that second one.”

    Receptionist: “Oh… um… It’s her bowel movements.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Receptionist: “Number Two?”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Receptionist: “Her, um, her poo, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s good.”

    He’s Telling A Shaggy Dog Story

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I work for a major attorney service firm. Our job is to go out to businesses (usually medical) to copy records. I am a ‘stop setter,’ meaning that I set the appointments for our field agents. One of the field agents comes dashing into the office, his clothing disheveled, and panting.)

    Me: “What happened?!”

    Field Agent: “You wouldn’t believe it! I went to serve Doctor [Name] with a subpoena for records. I went to his home in Malibu, drove up the hill, and parked. Just as I got out of my convertible to go serve him, four huge Dobermans came charging around the corner and tried to kill me! I ran back, jumped into my car, zoomed down the hill and back here!”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll call him.”

    (I do just that.)

    Me: “Dr. [Name]. This is [My Name] from [Copy Service]. Our field agent says he went to your home to serve a subpoena for the records on [legal case] and—”

    Doctor: “Listen to me you dirty little s***! That field agent is LYING! My gate’s closed. NOBODY can get in. He was never chased by any dogs because I don’t HAVE any! I’m not home, so he couldn’t have found me. Besides, the dogs were TIED UP! I can see them right now from my WINDOW!”

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