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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Blowing A Lid Over A Cichlid

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (A customer comes up to me with a 20 gallon tank in her cart.)

    Customer: “You got any of those ‘chicklid’ fish?”

    Me: “You mean cichlids? Yes, ma’am, we do. Were you looking for a particular species?”

    Customer: “D***, I don’t know… How about that one?”

    (She points to our tank of juvenile tiger-oscars, a fish that can easily grow to a foot in length. Because of this, we do not allow them to be sold unless the person has or is buying a tank of at least 50 gallons.)

    Me: “No problem, ma’am. If you’d like a tiger-oscar, you will have to buy a bigger tank, though, along with a heater and filter. These fish get very large.”

    (I quickly explain the final size and tank requirements for the species.)

    Customer: “S***! I’m not buying no 50 gallon for a stupid fish!”

    Me: *ignoring her comment* “I’d be happy to show you other species that are perfect for the tank you’ve picked out.”

    Customer: “No! I need something for my kids to look at TONIGHT! They won’t be able to see no pathetic little guppy! I want that ‘chicklid!’”

    (She continues yelling at me to get her the fish while refusing to buy a filter, heater, or even gravel for the tank.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I cannot sell you a fish that you’ll be putting into a bare tank of stagnant water.”

    Customer: “You can’t deny me a sale! I am a customer and I deserve that fish!”

    Me: “My job is to care for these animals first. You are wanting to buy a live animal and that comes with requirements and responsibilities. As I said before, I am more than happy to show you other species that are better suited to your tank size but I will not sell you a tiger-oscar.”

    Customer: “I want to see your manager. You’re being mean to me!”

    (I got my manager, who promptly agreed with my decision to not sell to her. She then asked to speak to the regional manager who also agreed with us. Furious, she stormed out of our store and vowed to never come back… not that we would have let her.)

    When The Cat’s Away The Pranks Come Out To Play

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (It’s a very slow day so I decide to take one of our cats out of her cage and hold her. She’s slung herself over my shoulder when a guy walks in.)

    Me: “Hello. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Customer: *staring at the cat* “Holy s***! Is that thing real?”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Nope. It’s a new animatronic model from Google. We’re testing them in stores to eventually give people an option for a pet without the mess!”

    Customer: “That’s so awesome!! I have to tell my friends!”

    (He ran out the store before I could tell him I was joking.)

    Questionable Behavior

    | Pullman, WA, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, School

    (While I am a student I work as a tour guide for prospective students.)

    Me: “Now if you have any questions. Feel free to ask me anything that doesn’t violate my fifth amendment rights!”

    (A good portion of the groups laugh as expected. The tour continues with me answering the occasional question. A mother of a high-school girl has one.)

    Mother: “What are your enrollment numbers?”

    Me: “Our undergrad enrollment is [number]. If you count grad students it goes up to [higher number].”

    Mother: “Thank you.”

    (Several minutes later, this same mother asks another questions.)

    Mother: “Where are the dining halls and how many options do they serve?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am…”

    (I proceed to give her every piece of info I can about meal plans, the dining locations, and even the specific food items. Several more minutes into the tour…)

    Mother: “I heard that last year you had a swine flu epidemic and had to shut down the school!”

    (At this point I wonder if she is clueless or deliberately trying to get a question I can’t answer.)

    Me: “Actually, several students were diagnosed but nowhere near an epidemic.”

    Mother: “How do you know? I heard they had to cancel two football games here!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I go to every home football game. If they really did cancel a football game then I have no idea what I was watching.”

    (Some of the other parents are trying to contain their laughter, and even this woman’s daughter looks embarrassed at her mom)

    Mother: “Fine.” *looks around and then points* “WHAT KIND OF BIRD IS THAT!?”

    (The rest of the group as this point cannot believe this is happening.)

    Me: “If we look at that bird, we can clearly see that’s a magpie, which my friend pointed out to me last week. Now moving on…”

    (At this point the mother pulls out a phone as we continue and about two minutes later I hear the daughter.)

    Daughter: “See? It was a magpie! Now, will you please stop!?”

    A Vast Ocean Of Ignorance

    | Newport, KY, USA | Extra Stupid, History, Pets & Animals

    (I’m an aquarium employee. As I’m standing in the coral reef tunnel, a few high school age kids walk up near me, looking up at the fish.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, guys! Enjoying the aquarium?”

    Teen #1: “Yeah…” *to his friends, pointing at the tank* “Hey, check out the puffer fish!”

    Teen #2: “Oh, cool!” *to me* “Does it ever puff up?”

    Me: “It’s pretty used to people, and there are no predators in there, so it wouldn’t puff itself up unless maybe a diver were to startle or threaten it in the tank.”

    Teen #1: “Can you startle it and make it puff up for us?”

    Me: *wondering how or why I would even do that* “No…”

    Teen #2: *suddenly forgetting the puffer and pointing instead at the cownose stingrays in the tank* “Hey! Isn’t that what killed Davy Crockett?”

    Teen #1, Teen #3, & Me: “What?!”

    Teen #2: “Isn’t that what killed Davy Crockett?”

    Me: “Uh… no. I’m pretty certain he died at the Alamo in the 19th century…” *thinks for a bit* “Did you mean Steve Irwin?”

    Teen #2: “Yeah! Same thing.”

    Me: “Not really…”

    She’s Going To Have Kittens

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Pets & Animals, Wild & Unruly

    (I volunteer at a cat shelter and am usually on care duties, but I manage adoptions when there isn’t a more experienced coworker available. On this day I’m one of only two people working, so when someone interested in adoption enters, I take care of them.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for a cat that’s docile and easy to care for, but isn’t scared of everything or so shy you never see it. Y’know?”

    (There are many cats that match this description, so I introduce them to the first three that stick out in my mind and invite them to take a look around the shelter on their own while I take care of the other units. They thank me and I leave for ten minutes. I later catch up with them as they’re exiting the kitten unit.)

    Customer: “I found the perfect one!”

    Me: “Oh, really? That’s great! Which one?”

    Customer: “The little black and grey one just in there.” *points*

    (There are two matching that description, so I invite them back into the unit with me and they show me the kitten they want. To my horror, it’s one of the worst-behaved cats we have, deceptive in that it will purr and cuddle you before it pisses all over your clothes and tears up the blinds.)

    Me: “Oh… this one? I feel like I should warn you that she’s had behavioural issues in the past. She’s the reason this room doesn’t have any cushions in it and she has a bad track for urinating on clothes. I wouldn’t recommend her over the other cats I showed you.”

    Customer: “What?! No! You must be thinking of that one.” *gestures to the other black and grey kitten, with distinctly different facial markings, sleeping in a bed* “This one’s so sweet. She just came right up to me and cuddled me the entire time I was in here.”

    Me: “No, I’m positive it’s this one. She is very loving, but she’ll shred all your furniture. I’m afraid that if you adopt her you’ll have to spend a lot of your time working through her destructiveness, if you can at all. Since you’re looking for an easy to care for cat, I really don’t think she’d be a good match.”

    Customer: “Blah! This is the one I want. I’m sure of it. Don’t you want them to get adopted?”

    (We argue back and forth for a short while. I’m reluctant to put their application through to the shelter owner, but they’re insistent, and I don’t have the option not to, anyway. Three days later they pay and pick the kitten up. They arrive at the shelter again in two weeks and catch me as I’m emptying litter boxes.)

    Customer: “You! You’re the person who let me adopt that s***-brained f****** cat! I should sue this place!”

    Me: *remembering them* “You adopted the black and grey kitten that I specifically warned you not to adopt?”

    Customer: “Yes! She f***** up all my drapes and pissed on everything in my f****** closet! I should make you pay for the damage!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for your belongings, but I told you this would happen before you even placed your application. There’s nothing we can do to reimburse you.”

    Coworker: *approaching the shouting* “I can help you in the office. If you would follow me?”

    (They follow her, ranting about their drapes and my incompetence. Turns out the kitten did more than $500 worth of damage, but we’re in no way liable to compensate their loss. The kitten was returned to the shelter and was later adopted by a woman who was able to rehabilitate her.)

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