Category: Pets & Animals

Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

Bird Brained, Part 10

| Boston, MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(I’m standing looking at the penguin exhibit when I overhear this from the woman beside me.)

Woman: “Look how beautiful they are! They look almost like birds!”

Related:
Bird Brained, Part 9
Bird Brained, Part 8
Bird Brained, Part 7

Sick Of His Secrets

| USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

(A man brought his little dog in because she wasn’t eating or going to the bathroom. The vets examined her and found that she had something stuck in her stomach blocking entrance to her small intestines. We ended up inducing vomiting. My job was to search for what could have caused the blockage.)

Me: *digging through the pile of vomit with a tongue depressor* “Ugh. Why is there so much stuff here? The guy said she wasn’t eating!”

Coworker: “Never thought I’d be digging through puke on a Saturday morning. Hey, what’s this?” *holding up a pink lacy thong with fishnet stockings stuck on it*

Me: “Oh, my god.”

(We bagged it up so the vet could show the client before sending it to the lab.)

Vet: “Sir, we found the cause of the blockage.”

Client: “Oh. OH. OH, MY… Can… can you please dispose of it?”

Vet: “We have to send it to the lab. Don’t worry; we’ll have them dispose of it.”

Client: “Thank you…”

(After he left, we all just about died laughing.)

Get The Name Right Or You’re Going To Have Kittens

| France | Pets & Animals

(I’m the stupid customer in this story. I’m phoning a veterinarian for the very first time in my life.)

Receptionist: “Hello.”

Me: “Hello. May I have an appointment this week, please?”

Receptionist: “Why, exactly?”

Me: “I just adopted a kitten and I’d like to make sure everything’s all right, to know about vaccinations and so on, you see?”

Receptionist: “All right. What about Wednesday at 10?”

Me: “That’s okay for me.”

Receptionist: “What’s the name?”

Me: “My name or the cat’s name?”

(I realize I just asked a really stupid question – as if the cat was going to enter and say her name!)

Receptionist: “Your name.”

(I really felt stupid…)

Trying To Ferret Out A Deal

| AL, USA | Pets & Animals, Transportation

(I work in a bicycle shop. A man walks in while his wife looks around a bit before joining us.)

Customer: “Hi, I was looking to get into road biking as a means of commuting to and from work. Do you have any recommendations?”

Me: “Certainly! If you’re looking for a decently-priced road bike that has comfort built in, I would look at the [Bike]. It’s my personal favorite in the whole shop.”

(The customer’s wife has just joined us.)

Customer’s Wife: “Which bike are you looking at?”

Customer: “He’s showing me [Bike], and it looks really nice.”

Customer’s Wife: “I’ll let you buy it if you get me another ferret.”

Customer: “That… that’s actually really tempting.”

Me: *taken slightly aback* “Another ferret?”

Customer’s Wife: “Well, sure! We have five right now, three girls and two boys! We need another boy to balance it out.”

Me: “Sounds logical to me.”

Customer: *mulls over the idea*

Customer’s Wife: “Pleeeeaaase?”

Me: *jokingly* “Do it for the ferret!”

Customer: “Don’t encourage her. I don’t know…”

(Seeing this as an opportunity to joke some more with the customer’s wife, I point her over to the cruiser bikes.)

Me: “And here, ma’am, you should check out these bikes! They come with baskets, so you can take the ferrets with you!”

Customer’s Wife: “Ooh, yes! We should totally get one!”

(Cue exasperation from the customer. Sadly, the couple left without a bike.)

The Parrot Sketch, Part Two

| CA, USA | Pets & Animals

(I volunteer at a thrift store that donates it’s money to cancer research. All we sell are donated objects. A middle aged man comes in with a big bird cage filled with five live parrots.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir! We can’t take live animals.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay. My babies are very well behaved.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s really not an option.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Listen a******, you have to take these flying sh**ters, because I’m sick of cleaning up poop!”

Me: “I’m sorry—”

Customer: “BE FREE, BIRDS!”

(He then opened the cage and all the birds flew out. My manager, two other coworkers, and I all scrambled around trying to capture them, sustaining many bites and scratches. By the time we did, two hours later, the man had gone. My manager had to then find a shelter that would take all the animals, and we all had to stay three hours late cleaning up bird crap.)

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