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  • Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Pets & Animals

    Would dogs be mans best friend if they realized they are sometimes more intelligent than their owners? Sadly in the world stupid people are allowed to own pets, find out how it can all go horrible wrong from here. Even wild animals cannot escape!

    Should Have Vetted Their Outbursts

    | ON, Canada | Pets & Animals, School

    (I have worked in a pet store selling dogs and cats for five years at this point, and wear a tag that says my name and that I am a ‘dog specialist.’)

    Customer: “Psh, dog specialist my a**. That girl looks like she is just starting high school.”

    Coworker: “So, [My Name], how is your third year of veterinary school going?”

    (The client turns bright red and leaves the store. The next day, she came back and started asking me questions as to why her dog might be limping.)

    How To Neuter A Prank Call

    | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals

    (The phone ring.)

    Me: “Hello, You’re through to—”

    Caller: “—ah, yes. Do you neuter men?”

    (There is giggling in the background, and it is clearly a prank call.)

    Me: “Yes, we do. In fact, I am with a patient right now.”

    (One of the parrots chooses that moment to scream.)

    Me: “Sam, if you held still this wouldn’t hurt so much! Sorry, we ran out of anesthetic and he just won’t hold still… Hello?”

    A Bad Case Of Adamantium Confusion

    | Newcastle upon Tyne, England, UK | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (My coworker goes to see a 94-year-old patient who had been confused overnight.)

    Coworker: “Good morning, Mr. [Patient]. How are you today?”

    Patient: *in a very measured voice* “Terrible, doctor. The professor saw me earlier and implicitly told me I am a wolverine. I’m afraid with this news I need to leave.”

    Coworker: “I see. You’ve been a bit poorly so should probably stay in hospital for now.”

    Patient: “Oh, but doctor, if you can guarantee I am NOT a wolverine, I’d feel ever so relieved.”

    Coworker: *poker faced* “I can guarantee you are NOT a wolverine.”

    Bird Brained, Part 10

    | Boston, MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I’m standing looking at the penguin exhibit when I overhear this from the woman beside me.)

    Woman: “Look how beautiful they are! They look almost like birds!”

    Related:
    Bird Brained, Part 9
    Bird Brained, Part 8
    Bird Brained, Part 7

    Sick Of His Secrets

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (A man brought his little dog in because she wasn’t eating or going to the bathroom. The vets examined her and found that she had something stuck in her stomach blocking entrance to her small intestines. We ended up inducing vomiting. My job was to search for what could have caused the blockage.)

    Me: *digging through the pile of vomit with a tongue depressor* “Ugh. Why is there so much stuff here? The guy said she wasn’t eating!”

    Coworker: “Never thought I’d be digging through puke on a Saturday morning. Hey, what’s this?” *holding up a pink lacy thong with fishnet stockings stuck on it*

    Me: “Oh, my god.”

    (We bagged it up so the vet could show the client before sending it to the lab.)

    Vet: “Sir, we found the cause of the blockage.”

    Client: “Oh. OH. OH, MY… Can… can you please dispose of it?”

    Vet: “We have to send it to the lab. Don’t worry; we’ll have them dispose of it.”

    Client: “Thank you…”

    (After he left, we all just about died laughing.)

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