Name Game Blame

(My wife is a few weeks pregnant, and we’ve spent a lot of time discussing baby name possibilities. I have the same initials as my grandfather, and I’ve always wanted to give my first son the same initials as his father: D.A.B. I like to suggest silly/preposterous names just to tease my wife.)

Wife: “Well, let’s just look up ‘D’ names online.”

Me: “Sure, we can do that.”

(I look it up. The first name is D’Artagnan.) “Ooh, look, babe! We can name him D’Artagnan.”

(Stony silence.)

Me: “You know, like in The Three Musketeers?”

Wife: “I know. No. He was whiney, anyway.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s true.”

Wife: “There’s Damien. I like that name.”

Me: “You’re thinking of Vampire Diaries, aren’t you?”

Wife: “…yes.”

Me: “Yeah, no. Not happening. Hey, they’ve got Darth listed as a name on here! That would be so awesome! Darth Baxter.”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “Darth Vader Baxter! We could buy him a red light-saber and black robes!”

Wife: “No! We’re not naming our child after the bad guys. He’d grow up evil.”

Me: “So?”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “Fine! Let’s see… Dante, Dash… We could name him Dash, like in The Incredibles.”

Wife: “Nuh-uh. Dash Baxter is the name of the Flash Thompson clone in Danny Phantom.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. That won’t work. Let’s see… hey, Deus is listed as a name. We should totally name our kid Deus Ex Machina Baxter!”

Wife: ignoring me “I like Decklan. That’s a good name.”

Me: “That’s the name of that ‘Shawn 2.0’ jerk that Juliet dated in Psych.”

Wife: “So?”

Me: “So, I didn’t like him. No. Dexter?”

Wife: “We are not naming our son after a serial killer.”

Me: “He’s not a real serial killer, he’s fictional!”

Wife: “No. No one would ever think of anything else. I like Dax, though.”

Me: “What, like Jak & Daxter?”

Wife: “Sure.”

Me: “Daxter Baxter? Really, babe?”

Wife: “Okay, maybe not.”

Me: “No, I’m thinking Diablo.”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “Doctor! We could name him ‘The Doctor’!”

Wife: “That’s just silly.”

Me: “Doctor Who Baxter.”

Wife: “It doesn’t fit the D.A.B.”

Me: “Yeah, wait. Dalek! Dalek Allen Baxter!”

Wife: “Well, that does actually sound kind of cool.”

Me: “Seriously? All of those others, and you think Dalek sounds okay?”

Wife: “I’m just saying it sounds cool.”

Me: “Our poor, poor child.”