Acting Totally Incremental

| TX, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

(I am out on delivery late at night. The customer to whom I am delivering has been very drunk on the phone. When I arrive at his house, he stumbles outside to meet me, pulling out his wallet. A girl follows him outside.)

Me: “Mr. [Name]?”

Drunken Customer: “Yep, that’s me.”

Me: “Here you are, sir! Your total this evening will be $46.70!”

Drunken Customer: “Okay. Here you go.”

(The customer hands me $70.)

Me: “Of course, sir; let me get your change.”

(I hand back a twenty dollar bill and three ones, but he won’t take it.)

Drunken Customer: “Nope. No change. That’s your $5 tip right there.”

Me: “Um, yes, sir, I appreciate it very much, but—”

Drunken Customer: “No, no, no. Listen. 46 and whatever is like 47, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Drunken Customer: “Well, fifty minus forty-seven is this three, right?” *points to the three $1 bills*

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Drunken Customer: “That leaves the two and the zero.” *points at the $20 bill* “And two plus zero is two, and then plus the other $3, and two plus three is five, and that’s your $5 tip!”

Girl: “Just take it and go. He thinks he’s good at math when he’s drunk.”

Me: “Thank you very much, sir! Have a wonderful evening!”

Drunken Customer: “Don’t spend all your $5 in one place!”

(He is the best tipping customer of the night! When I get back to the store, my manager can’t believe how thoroughly the customer explained his math!)