A**hole In One

(I work at a golf course that is situated in a residential area. I am talking to a friend of mine who owns a home on the course when a ball lands in his backyard.)

Golfer: “Move!” *hops the fence*

Friend: “Hey! This is private property; get out of here!”

Golfer: “No, it isn’t; I paid good money to play on this course and I am going to play through.”

Me: “Actually, sir, it is private property.”

Golfer: *not listening* “Why the h*** do you put such stupid obstacles in the way? What kind of course has fences so close to the green?”

Friend: “It isn’t an obstacle! It’s my fence, and you are in my backyard. Now beat it before I call the police.”

Golfer: “Shut the f*** up; you’re throwing me off my game.” *turns to me* “Shouldn’t you escort him off the course? He isn’t showing any etiquette.”

(My friend gets irritated and goes into his house.)

Me: “He doesn’t have to show any etiquette; he owns the property. You are the one I will be escor—”

Golfer: “No, he doesn’t! The course owns all of this; how stupid are you?”

(My friend comes back with a bucket of golf balls and dumps them where the golfer’s ball has landed.)

Golfer: “What the f*** are you doing?! I’ll never find my ball!”

Friend: “Good.”

Golfer: “I paid good money for that ball, and you’re stealing it! I am calling the police!”

Me: “It landed in someone’s yard. It is clearly stated in the rule book that a residential area is out of bounds, so he can do whatever he wants with it.”

Golfer: “Shut up! What do you know? You’re just some kid!”

Me: “Sir, please come with me. You are not welcome here anymore.”

Golfer: “No! I can do what I want! I paid good money to—”

Friend: “I spend all day cleaning up after a**holes like you that think they can do whatever they want. They rammed their carts into my fence thinking it was a personal cart stopper, and I had to finally shell out $1,500 to buy a new one because it eventually fell down completely.”

Golfer: “I didn’t—”

Friend: “People like you have stolen my stuff and left their trash in my yard, even though there is a bin right there next to the tee-box. They have killed my dog, and one of you pricks had the audacity to walk into my house and use my bathroom without even so much as asking.”

Golfer: *stuttering* “But the course owns it; I’m allowed to—”

Friend: “No, you’re not. My property line extends another twenty feet past the fence line; you are trespassing. I own this house, this yard, and everything in it.”

(My friend picks him up and tosses him over the fence.)

Golfer: “That’s assault! I am calling the police on you! I paid good money!”

Friend: “I don’t give a d*** how much you paid; this is private property and according to the state penal code, I can remove you just like I did.”

Golfer: “I’ll sue! I paid good money!”

Friend: “Go ahead; I’ll be your lawyer.”

(One of the owners showed up and escorted the golfer off the golf course. He was banned from playing there again. My friend now plays free for his trouble.)

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