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    A Few Carrots Short Of A Bunch

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    (I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.)

    Client: *on the phone* “My reports look wrong.”

    Me: “All right, let’s take a look.”

    (I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to his database – something outside of my company’s control.)

    Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database – once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.”

    Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.”

    Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.”

    Client: “It’s still your fault.”

    (This goes on for 20 minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.)

    Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?”

    Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.”

    Me: “OK, fine – if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?”

    Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!”

    Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.”

    Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.”

    Client: “WELL IT’S NOT MY JOB EITHER, BUT I DO!”

    Me: “That’s because you are one.”

    Client: “NO I’M NOT!”

    Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, 30 seconds ago.”

    Client: “I LIED!”

    Me: “…why?”

    Client: “BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!”

    Me: “No, I’m not.”

    Client: “WROOONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! WROOONG!”

    (She kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I then hung up. No one in the company has heard from her since.)