Dear readers,
It is almost the twenties again, but before you start donning your flappers and boater hats, why not take some time with us to take a look back through the last decade of Not Always Right? Starting with 2010, the year Justin Bieber was dominating the charts, Obamacare became a thing, and people were wondering if the financial crisis was ever going to end.
It was also the year we published these ten beauties, the highest-voted stories of the year. Enjoy!
10. In The Navy, His Fate Is Sealed
Restaurant | France
(The restaurant is near a Navy base and therefore, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, are rude and snotty with my coworkers, complain a lot about the food, talk loudly, and sometimes mock the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lights a cigarette after requesting his bill.)
Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”
Customer: “Yes, I can.”
Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”
(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)
Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”
(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)
Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”
Customer: “Yeah, so?”
Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”
Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”
Customer #2: “You know [Name]?”
Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”
Customer #2: “Do you know [Name]?”
Customer: “[Name] is my superior!”
Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”
(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill, and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)
9. Drive Hoo
Drive-Thru | USA
Me: “Welcome to [Fast-Food Restaurant]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “I’ll take a number 1, 5, and 12.”
Me: “All right, that’ll be $12.09.”
Customer: “Woohoo!”
(The customer drives to the window.)
Me: “That’s $12.09.”
Customer: “Woohoo!”
(Pause.)
Me: “$12.09.”
Customer: “Woohoo!”
Me: “12.”
Customer: “Woo!”
Me: “09.”
Customer: “Hoo!”
Me: “12.09.”
Customer: “Woohoo!”
Me: “…09.12.”
Customer: “Hoowoo!”
Me: “90.21.”
Customer: “Ooh-oow!”
Me: “Well played, sir.”
8. Inter-screwed
Office | UK
(It’s early morning. I need to organise my notes, so I sit down in the Reception area. The suited guy next to me is looking very nervous.)
Customer: “You’re a bit of a porker, eh?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “You’re really chubby. I mean, they told me they were considering someone else for the position as well. But if you’re all I’ve got to compete with, I’ve got it already!”
(I realise that his pre-interview technique is from some old self-help book about psyching out the competition.)
Customer: “And I was so nervous too! Guess you don’t have much of a chance, huh?”
(I consult my notes.)
Me: “Mr. Becker?”
Customer: “Yeah, that’s me! How’d you know that? You’re here for the job too, right?”
Me: “No, Mr. Becker. I’m Gary Robbins, a technical specialist from Human Resources. I’m here to conduct your interview.”
7. Bohemian Nobody
Retail | USA
(A customer approaches the service counter.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Is this the real life?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Is this just fantasy?”
Me: *catching on* “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”
Customer: “D*** it! I was trying to prank you! You shouldn’t know what I’m doing!”
Me: “Doesn’t really matter to me, to meeee.”
Customer: “F*** you!” *storms off*
6. Catcher In The Sky
Pet Store | USA
Customer: “How much is this bird?”
Me: “Sir, how did you get the bird out of the cage? The cage was locked.”
Customer: “Oh, I got this one from the birds you have outside by the door.”
Me: “Those aren’t our birds.”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “Sir, you picked up a wild bird. But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”
5. Ain’t No Mountain Wry Enough
Fast Food | Australia
Me: “…and a large Dew.”
Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”
Customer’s Wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”
Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”
Customer: “Oh, really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”
Me: “Ah, sorry?”
Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”
Customer’s Wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”
Me: “Really, it’s fine.”
Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”
4. Why Cashiers Should Rule The World
Grocery Store | USA
(I’m a customer in the check-out line. I’m buying a box of tampons for my mom, who is bedridden after surgery. One of the two customers standing behind me in line speaks up.)
Other Customer: “Ha-ha what a p****. He’s buying tampons.”
(I ignore the two and move forwards to the cashier. She’s an attractive girl of about 20 years old.)
Cashier: “$5.71 after the discount.”
(I have no idea what discount she’s talking about, but I pay her and get my change.)
Cashier: *with a smile on her face* “Here you go, baby, I’m taking my break now and I’ll see you at home at eight. Just leave the tampons in my car, please.”
(She leaned over the counter and kissed me on the cheek. She then turned the light off on the register number and walked off towards the other side of the store. The two customers watched her with their jaws open and angrily walked off to another register.)
3. In Real Hot Sauce Now
Restaurant | UK
(I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)
Customer: “You f***ing b****! How many f***ing times do I have to tell you no f***ing sauce?!”
Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* “I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “You f***ing up my burger! I want a refund now!”
Cashier: “Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?”
Customer: “How am I supposed to f***ing know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!”
Cashier: “I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment.”
(She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)
Cashier: “Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*
Customer: “Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f***ing refund!”
Cashier: “Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you.”
(She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)
Customer: “F***ing hurry up, you b****! My f***ing dinner’s getting cold!”
Cashier: “My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?”
Customer: “You’d better, you b****!”
Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* “Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-”
(At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)
Cashier: “Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?”
Customer: “Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f***ing simple or something?”
Cashier: “No, just distracting you ’till the police get here.”
(Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)
2. The Wisdom To Know The Difference
Fast Food | USA
(I’m with my wife at a well known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)
Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f***ing long with my food!”
Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”
Customer: “You’d better!”
(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)
Employee: “Here you go, sir.”
Customer: “Where’s the f****** ranch?”
Employee: “Right away, sir!”
Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”
Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”
Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”
Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”
Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*
Wife: *to the employee* “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”
Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*
1. No Pranks, Just Thanks
Library | USA
(I am shelving DVDs in a library when a man comes in with a boy who appears to be autistic. The boy sees a movie about Thanksgiving.)
Boy: “Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I’m thankful… I’m thankful for… I’m thankful for my friends at school!”
Caretaker: “You’re thankful for your friends at school?”
Boy: “Yeah! Yeah and… and… what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your friends?”
Caretaker: *no response*
Boy: “Are you thankful for me?”
Caretaker: “I’m thankful for you, kid. I’m more thankful for you than all my friends in the world.”
Boy: *smiles*
Check back tomorrow, for our 2011 roundup!
This story is part of our celebration of Not Always Right publishing over 100,000 stories!
