I was asked to do a little write-up explaining the difference between net weight ounces and fluid ounces for a website selling a bottled product. The boss and owner, an octogenarian, gave me a newspaper clipping of the information to make sure I got it right.

I already knew about basic measurements from school, but I checked the clipping and Google before putting it in my own words. I emailed it to them for approval, and they returned to me a printout of the tiny paragraph with red question marks scrawled around it.

Client: “Where the heck did you get this from? I told you to base it on the newspaper article I gave you! You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet!”

They had been defining fluid ounces as “the weight of the fluid in the bottle sans the weight of the bottle and cap” and explaining it that way to customers for decades as a selling point by saying, “Our competitors’ measurements include the whole bottle!”

Me: “Actually, fluid ounces are a measure of volume, not weight. They’re measuring the volume of the bottle, not adding its weight to their product.”

Client: “That’s not what I remember from my school days!”

The client insisted his definition was right, so rather than fight that battle, I convinced them not to put up anything about ounces. Although, I understand why they thought that information would be “useful to buyers!”

I’m an in-house designer for a large, international corporation. Although the company is well-established, the design team is new and ‘design’ is handled by whichever secretary has some free time and a knack for PowerPoint. A common job request is to design printed invites for client hospitality events. On this occasion, we are treating some clients to a performance of the stage musical ‘Mamma Mia!’ I get this request from a secretary…

Secretary: “So we’re taking fifteen clients for dinner, and then to see Mamma Mia. Can we get a nice invite to send them? Just stick the poster on the front, and I’ll email you the text for the back.”

Me: *Confused.* “I haven’t designed a poster for this event…”

Secretary: “No, silly, the poster for Mamma Mia! You can get it off Google, no problem.”

Me: “I’m afraid we can’t use the show poster as that would be copyright infringement. It would be very obvious we’d used it without permission and would make us look very unprofessional. Besides, it doesn’t fit our corporate branding.”

Secretary: “Oh. Can we not get permission to use it? I mean, it would be like free advertising for them.”

Me: “In the highly unlikely event that I manage to trace and contact the copyright owner, I very much doubt the global theatre phenomenon Mamma Mia is going to care about free advertising for a handful of businessmen who already have tickets.”

Secretary: “Oh, okay. Can we Google a picture of ABBA instead?”

Me: “No, we can’t use any images off Google! They’re all under copyright. I mean, unless we licensed something at hundreds of pounds for one small invite. But anyway, that wouldn’t match our corporate branding!”

Secretary: “Oh! What if we use a picture of just two of ABBA? Would that be cheaper than all four?”

Me: “…No. Look, how about a nice picture of the Greek island where Mamma Mia is set? We can afford that with our Getty subscription, it will match our brand, and most importantly won’t infringe any copyright.”

ExecSec: “Oh, alright. So is this new then? This copyright thing?”

Me: “Er, no?”

Secretary: “Well no one told me about it when I used to do the invites. Must have just been from when you started.”

Me: *Giving up.* “Yep. Sure.”

Even though the firm actually gave mandatory copyright training to everyone, I thought it best to quit while I was ahead!

(Our company makes a laptop computer that runs on the Chrome operating system and is not compatible with most Windows programs and drivers.)

Customer: “I got this DVD player to use with my [Computer], but it’s not working.”

Me: “You said you have a [Computer]? I’m sorry, sir, but that machine runs on the Chrome operating system and is not compatible with external DVD players because the drivers are made for Windows and cannot run on it.”

Customer: “Wait, so I can’t put a DVD player on this computer? Then how do I load my MS Office on it?”

Me: “That program will not run on the [Computer], either. Microsoft has released it for the Windows operating system and Mac, but not for Chrome, so it is not compatible.”

Customer: “Why didn’t anyone tell me this computer wouldn’t work with those? I bought this so I could put Office on it and watch DVDs! I was under the impression that it was compatible with all that! I wouldn’t have purchased the unit if I’d known it was useless!”

Me: “The [Computer] is useful as a browser, but is not designed to be used as a DVD player or word processor. It’s designed for people who just want to get onto the Internet and not much else. Did someone at the retailer tell you it was compatible with these things?”

(We’ve had issues with employees at a particular retailer telling people that the computer is compatible with many things that it doesn’t actually work with to sell more electronics and programs, so this isn’t a surprise.)

Customer: “No, I bought it from [Online Retailer]. I did all the research myself, and I never saw anything that said it wasn’t compatible.”

Me: “Did you see anything that said it was compatible or anything in the system requirements of the programs and accessories that they would work on that operating system?”

Customer: “No! But you should put on the advertisements what it’s not compatible with so I don’t buy s*** that won’t do what I want it to!”

(My department’s extension is number one on our line, and a lot of customers just hit one at random and I have to deal with them.)

Customer #1: “Is this [Customer Service Personnel]?”

Me: “I’m afraid she’s on the line at the moment.”

Customer #1: “Can you get her to take this call? I forgot to tell her something when I called just now.”

Me: “Sorry, she’s on the phone at the moment. Can I get your name and number, and I’ll ask her to call you back?”

Customer #1: “No, you transfer this call to her. I need to tell her what colour item I want. I’ll be going out in a few minutes and she won’t be able to call me back.”

Me: “But she’s on the line.”

Customer #1: “I know, but you get her to take my call!”

Me: *giving up* “Please hold.”

(I put her on hold to let her wait while [Customer Service Personnel] finishes her call.)

Customer #2: “Hi, do you sell curtains?”

Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid we don’t.”

Customer #2: “Well, do you know where I can buy them?”

Me: “You could try [Store]?”

Customer #2: “Are they open at this time?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know their operating hours.”

Customer #2: “Well, can you check?”

Me: *noticing that my head is listening in* “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

Customer #2: “Well, you can look it up on the Internet, right?”

Me: “Yes, but…”

Customer #2: “Can you help me check it? You can just search it online, right? And can you help me check what their telephone number is?”

(After several minutes of this, I give up and run a quick Google search. I give her the info.)

Customer #2: “Okay, thank you. And can you give me the number for [Other Store], as well?”

Me: “…”

(I Googled this for her, as well, just to get rid of her.)

(I recently purchased a number of items online from a women’s garment store. Normally I physically go to the store but in this case, I felt like buying online. When I receive my items, one has a defect with a strap. On the back of the packing slip, there are instructions for return or exchange, including information about returning the item in the store. My husband and I happen to be going to a mall with this store in it within the next day or two, so I decide to exchange the item in store rather than mail it back. This is my experience at the store. I walk up to the cash registers.)

Me: “Hi there. I ordered this bra online recently, tried it on, liked it, removed the tags, but on the one and only time I wore it, I noticed there is a defect with the strap.” *pulls the bra out of the bag I’ve brought it in to show her* “The strap wasn’t threaded through both bits of the slide, so it won’t stay up. I don’t need a refund — I actually really like it — I was just hoping to exchange it for one exactly the same but without a defect.”

(The cashier is very nice and finds me a sales associate to help find the specific style of bra in store.)

Sales Associate: “Hmm, so, it appears that we don’t carry that specific style or size in the store. I’m really sorry.”

Me: “Okay, that’s not a big problem. I’m fine with exchanging for something similar for the same value.”

(I show the associate all the paperwork I’ve brought to confirm the price.)

Sale Associate: “Okay, that is probably fine; let me just check with the manager. Since you bought it online, I just need to double check.”

Me: “No problem. I’ll just browse until you are done.”

(Everyone has been very pleasant and helpful. I’ve made it clear now to two people I am not looking for cash; I just want to exchange the item directly. It’s also worth noting that when I purchased the items on the website, they were purchased via a Canadian source, so I paid in Canadian dollars, and the items were shipped from Eastern Canada. The manager and sales associate approach me.)

Manager: *already sighing* “Yeah, hi. So. You bought that online.”

Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

Manager: “So… we don’t do returns for online purchases. I could maybe give you a credit, but that’s it.”

Me: “Sorry, I wasn’t looking to return it; I’d just like to exchange it for something of equal value if I can’t get the exact same one.”

Manager: “No, I don’t think you understand. You bought it online. We don’t return things from an online purchase.”

Me: *still calm but frustrated* “That’s confusing, because—“ *showing her* “—on the packing slip, on the back here, it says you can return or exchange in store.”

Manager: *not even looking at the paper, in a condescending voice* “You purchased that from an American website, so you can’t return it to a Canadian store.”

Me: “Really? I am certain that I purchased it from a Canadian—“

Manager: *even more condescending* “No, I understand. You paid Canadian dollars, but you purchased it from an American website. We don’t even have a ‘.ca’ website.”

Me: *pause* “Ah, okay. Um… So. What do you suggest?”

Manager: “Call the number for the website. They’ll have to tell you what to do.”

Me: “Right. So, I guess I have to mail it.”

Manager: “Yep. Thanks.” *walks away*

Sales Associate: “I am… really sorry.”

Me: “It’s all right. I guess I didn’t read the fine print. Thanks for your help.”

(Later I relayed the interaction to my husband, who insisted I submit a complaint about the manager’s behavior. We also did a quick Google search for the company, and lo and behold, the first result was a sponsored advertisement — for a “.ca” website. I checked the return label; yep, Canadian. I guess that manager needed a bit of education on her policies.)