(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a 30 cent late fee on here for [movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”

Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”

Coworker: “Well, it was a seven day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”

(The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)

Me: “Hi, Mr ***!”

Regular: “Hey ***, love the hair. What’s the damage?”

Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”

(The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)

Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”

(He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)

Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”

(The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)

Me: “You’re my favorite.”

Regular: “I know.”

(We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)

Me: “So, can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “No, I’d like to make a complaint. The chicken was dirty. You didn’t wash it off before cooking it. Could you take it off my bill?”

Me: “But you still ate it?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You would get a discount if you sent it back, but you ate it.”

Customer: “Can I speak to your manager?”

(The manager comes out and they talk for a moment.)

Manager: “Alright, so I’ll just bring you your bill then.”

Customer: “But my friend told me if I complained, I’d get my meal free.”

Manager: “You ate the meal, so you don’t get a discount.”

Customer: “I didn’t bring any money, because I thought I wouldn’t have to pay!”

Me: “That will be 23.75.”

Customer: “Hey, weren’t you that guy from Romeo and Juliet?”

Me: “Yes, I was. Did you see the performance?”

Customer: “I did, but why are you working here?”

Me: “Oh, I do this to get some work while I’m not acting.”

Customer: “Oh, no!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Customer: “This is one of those joke shows isn’t it? I’m on camera!”

Me: *laughs* “No, it isn’t. Don’t worry, actors just need more than one source of income sometimes.”

Customer: “Quick! Is a man gonna jump out of my food bag or something and scare me?”

Me: “Um, no. Don’t worry, I’m just working here part time.”

(She looks through her shopping bag.)

Customer: *turns to the person behind her* “I’m famous! I knew I was on camera look!”

(She pulls out a snow globe from her shopping bag.)

Customer: “You were gonna get me with this, weren’t you? Trying to act like you could see the future! It’s okay, dear. You can stop being in character now. You can come out now, camera crew!”

Me: *playing along* “Well you got us, ma’am. I have to say, nothing escapes you!”

(I turn to a camera that isn’t there.)

Me: “Follow us next week when we try to pull a gag on a petrol station customer! That’s a wrap. Thanks for playing, miss!”

(The customer happily pays and leaves.)

(A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

(I work as a plumber for a 5-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

Me: “Ah, okay…there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

Me: “Yep. One sec.”

(As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

(I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

(The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

Customer: “Oh my…well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

(The cafe owners often bring their little one-year old girl with them, who sometimes plays with the register while standing on a crate. One day while I’m working on something else a few feet away, she’s doing this as a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I’d like to order a sandwich to go.”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be there in one minute. Let me just wash my hands.”

Customer: “Yeah, but she can take my order now!” *points to the little girl*

Me: “She’s just playing. She can’t actually ring you up.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “She’s one.”

Customer: *heavy sigh*

Toddler: “Cheese?”

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Me: “Okay, would you like the cake to say anything?”

Customer: “Like what?”

Me: “Happy Birthday? Happy Tenth Birthday?”

Customer: “Oh! Well, if you could teach it to sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ that would be great!”

(I think the customer is joking, so I write “Happy Birthday” on the cake as usual. Later on, the customer calls in complaining that his cake didn’t sing when the candles were lit!)

Me: “This is [office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I was checking to see if you have received my fax.”

Me: “I am sorry, that has not been received.”

(I verify the fax number.)

Caller: “Well, I wrote on the cover letter to call me if you didn’t receive it. Why didn’t you call me?”

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Taxing Faxing

(I’ve finished ringing up a customer with a cart full of booze and cigarettes.)

Me: “Your total today is $498.34.”

(The customer pulls out a check that has been taped together, having obviously been ripped in half at some point. It even has VOID written on it. He proceeds to scratch out the information on the check and write in our store name and the amount).

Me: “You know I can’t take that check, right?”

Customer: “This is my check, and you take checks for payment. You are going to take this d*** check!”

(The customer gives me the check.)

Me: “I can’t approve this. Let me get my manager.”

(I go and get my manager.)

Manager: “Can I see your driver’s license, please?”

Customer: “Whatever. Here.”

Manager: “I need to make a copy of this, just a minute.”

(The name on the check and the driver’s license don’t match, so the manager returns with security.)

Manager: “If you would come with me to our office, the police will be here soon.”

Customer: “It’s my d*** check! I found it in the trash!”