(I work at a small grocery store owned by my Grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind open your jacket up?”

Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

(The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

Customer: “GET OFF!”

(My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

(He put the beer down.)

(I’m filling out a return slip for a customer.)

Customer: “Oh! You’re a lefty!”

Me: “Err no, this is my right hand.”

Customer: “But it’s on my left!”

Me: “It’s still my right hand.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m planning to stay here for a few days and just wanted to find out whether I can bring pets.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our hotel has a strict no pet policy.”

Customer: “So I can’t bring my dog?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “But it’s tiny, doesn’t shed, and I guarantee I’ll always let it out in time.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “What about my cat?”

Me: “No pets, sir.”

Customer: “Alright, fine.” *stands around for several moments* “So my wife can bring her hamster, right?”

(I walk up to a customer and her family holding one of our pet store rabbits.)

Me: “So, are you ready to buy that rabbit?”

Customer: “Yeah, I think I’m going to. What do rabbits need?”

Me: “Well, the first thing a rabbit needs is a good home. We have a nice selection of cages start.”

Customer: “I think I’ll just put it in with my guinea pig.”

Me: “Well, that really isn’t a good idea. They should really have separate cages.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll put the guinea pig somewhere else. What else do rabbits need?”

Me: “Vitamins are good for rabbits, especially younger bunnies who are making their first move–”

Customer: “Can’t I use ferret vitamins?”

Me: “Well, no, because rabbits are herbivores and ferrets are carnivores. They have different nutritional needs.”

Customer, to husband: “I don’t need any vitamins!”

Customer’s husband: “Well, what about food?”

Me: “We have a large assortment of rabbit food. The more colorful ones that contain dried fruits and vegetables are really going to help your rabbit, especially if you don’t plan on feeding it fresh fruits and vegetables.”

Customer: “Can’t I just feed it cat food?”

(I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

(As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

Customer: “I want a vanilla iced latte.”

Cashier: “Okay, anything else?”

Customer: “No.”

(I make the drink for the customer and give it to her.)

Me: “Here you are, ma’am.”

Customer: “What is this? It isn’t a vanilla iced latte!”

Me: “Yes it is, ma’am.”

Customer: “What? No! I said I wanted a vanilla iced LA…TEA!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean… we do have iced tea.”

Customer: “I wanted a LA-TEA!”

Customer’s husband: “She wants an iced coffee.”

Customer: “Yes! Why are you people so stupid?! I always say the wrong thing. You should know by now what I want!”

(My friend and I are door-knocking to raise money for a charity.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, we’re collecting for [charity]. Would you like to donate?”

Customer: “Oh yeah, sure!”

Me: “Thank you, we really appreciate it!”

Customer: *pauses and suddenly glares* “Don’t look at my feet.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “You heard!”

(We can’t help it and sneak a look at her feet. She is wearing frog slippers.)

Customer: “DON’T F***ING LOOK AT MY FEET!”

Customer: “Hi, I had my computer looked at there, and you guys said that it’s running slow because there are probably bugs in it. Well, I sprayed some bug spray in it and now it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Ma’am, when they tell you bugs, they mean computer viruses, not an actual bug.”

Customer: “Well, what can I spray it with to get rid of the viruses?”

(I am working as a cashier and two customers come in talking loudly about how dumb minimum wage fast-food workers are. One of them decides to prove it…)

Customer: “Let me ask you a question. What’s 7 times 7?”

Me: “49.”

Customer: “What’s 8 times 8?”

Me: “64.”

Customer: “E equals MC squared?”

Me: “What about it?”

Customer: “What does it mean?”

Me: “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.”

Customer: “Uhm…”

Me: “Would you like fries with that?”

(Note: I am a self-checkout attendant.)

Customer: “Miss, my debit card doesn’t seem to be working.”

Me: “Are you sure you’re swiping it the right way?”

Customer: “Which way is the right way?”

Me: “Stripe facing outward.”

Customer: “Miss, it’s still not working!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that debit machine is currently out of order.”

Customer: “I want to use this one. Why isn’t this one working?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we called tech support. If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to suspend your order and–”

Customer: “It’s your responsibility to put up signs if something isn’t working! I want to speak to your store manager.”

Me: “There’s no sign on that machine? I’m sure I put them up just a couple of minutes ago.”

Customer: “Do you SEE a sign?”

(I walk over to the machine, and see the sign laying by the customers feet on the floor. It was clearly ripped off of the machine, as it’s half torn.)

Me: “Hmm, I’m terribly sorry sir. It seems someone ripped the sign off.”

Customer: “Yeah, that was me.”

Me: “Can I ask why?”

Customer: “No, you can’t.”

Me: “Why would you use this machine is you had seen and read the sign, stating that the debit machine wasn’t working?”

Customer: “Because there was no sign!”

Me: “But you ripped the sign off.”

Customer: “Yeah, so now that it’s not there anymore the debit machine should be working! Forget this! I’m going to another store!”